The Reason

Instead of trying to answer directly, why did I start this blog, I'd prefer to just write about what I had experienced in the past 1 to 2 months and hopefully, by the end of it, it would make sense and answer the question.

September 2011
At the end of Aug' I again heard a song a like while watching some blogger's video. She was showing her friend's and her clothes collection and had put a song as the background music. As usual, I liked the song, it was catchy and nice voices. So, look for credits. DBSK, Mirotic. Hmm, DBSK, where did I see that before? Never mind, go search for the full song anyway. Found the official MV. Saw their dancing, liked the song even more.
Note: At this point I was still blissfully unaware of any lawsuits or 2 and 3 and etc. I had Mirotic on repeat for days. Finally, one day, I decide to search DBSK online and landed on the TVXQ Wikipedia page. It was a very long entry and I don't think I read everything in detail. The word lawsuit caught my eye and I saw that it happened in 2009. At that exact point, I thought, well its 2011 now, perhaps its over and the 5 are together once more making good music. So I googled further using DBSK lawsuit. And that was when reality sink in. Lawsuit is still on. 5 boys are still separated. TVXQ came back as 2, the other 3 debuted as a trio called JYJ. At that point, I was upset, but not super upset yet. It was more of a "that's quite a pity" rather than "oh, what am I going to do now?"

But somehow, I don't know how, this group really had me. I was just drawn to them. Maybe its because I was listening to Mirotic too much? And end up being totally under their spell.

So begins my addiction to a page called YouTube. Music videos, concerts, fan meetings, variety shows, interviews and basically anything to related to DBSK (the 5 members DBSK) became part of my life. My songs playlist has only DBSK songs.
Note: I need to clarify that I was never like this in my entire life. I was never a fangirl. I never had a super strong preference to a particular band or singer. I listen to everything that I think is great, doesn't matter if it is Western or Eastern, group or solo, male or female. I was cool like that, my entire life. I surprised even myself with this liking to DBSK.

So with all this, I could of course identify who is who. Jung Yunho, Shim Changmin, Kim Jaejoong, Park Yoochun & Kim Junsu.

Then came the big problem, the more I watch clips of them, the more I got affected by the whole lawsuit fiasco. Affected by the fact that the 5 are no longer together, no longer keep in touch, no longer sing and dance together. Because, from watching all those, I find them to be 5 talented, hardworking, down to earth boys who are perfectly at ease with each other and love each other.
Also, while watching their clips, I also read those YouTube comments and hence was introduced to Yunjae. And so, I was also getting affected by the fact that there is no more Yunjae. That they can't be together. Yunjae will have separate post(s) since it is such a mystery.

With each passing day, I get more miserable. To describe it:
* I'll go to bed thinking about them. Mind you, when I say thinking about them, I really mean it. Its not like I fantasize being their girlfriend or anything. It is seriously thinking about when they can be together again, how the lawsuit is tearing them apart and about the good times when they are together as 5.
* When I wake up in the morning, they pop up into my mind.
* When I shower, my left and right brain will argue with each other, either about Yunjae, is it real? Or thinking why didn't all 5 leave or stay together in SM.
* I was frantically searching for videos of 5 of them in shows, concerts, interviews and whatever not and saving them. Even till today, I have not finish watching them. By right, I should have finished them since its already 1-2 months time. But there is a reason why. When I am really very upset, I'll just watch one of these clips, laugh at their funny & dorky moments and let myself think that they are in fact still 5 in a group. So there is a fear of running out of videos to watch if I go too fast. Of course, I can re-watch them and I definitely would not mind re-watching them, but I don't know, I just feel scared. Even with songs, its the same, I didn't go compile a list of all their songs and make sure I get it and listen to it. I am just discovering their songs slowly, maybe 1 new song in a few days?, a week?
Note: I had to d/l the videos first for fear it will be taken down. Songs will have lesser of such a problem.

Clarification:
I know with the lines I have written above, it will be hard for any sane person to NOT call me delusional. But I really am not. I can still work, have meals with people, carry out conversations with friends and colleagues. I still make jokes, I still laugh, still make people laugh. Its when the door of my room closes and I am alone, I allow the sadness to come out, allow the tears to flow.

There is one certain song of theirs that never fails to make me cry. It is the Japanese version of Love in the Ice. The one I listened to was a live performance from their Five in the Black tour in 2007. The first time I listened to it, I cried. Their voice was just so sorrowful. And I could understand a sprinkling of Japanese here and there. It was a beautiful and touching performance. From then on, every time I hear this song, tears will flow. I think that pretty much tells you why I chose to give my blog the name it has.
But 2 days ago, I cried while watching their live performance of the song The Way U Are. There is nothing sad about the melody, the lyrics or their voice. But I guess the "5 is no longer 5" is gripping me even harder now.

I needed some way to express myself. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. They will probably think I have gone mad or something. So, I decided to start this blog.

I apologize that my writing is all over the place.